Where to Go

So I’m sitting on my stoop, reading the latest issue of Cat Fancy [and if you believe that, have I got a bridge to sell you . . . ], my dog by my side, his head in my lap, when a guy with an assertive little male dog approaches and said dog proceeds to whiz all over my goddamned stoop! What the hell???!

I need several pairs of hands to count how many things are wrong with this offensive act, but it mainly serves to remind me that poop scoop laws aren’t quite enough. While there’s no way to enforce considerate behavior, there really are some things dog owners, as respectful, ethical people ought to consider beyond the scoop while their pet is doing what dogs do.

First, since it’s number one, let’s start with Number One. I know this is a tough one to control, especially depending on gender. Some female dogs are known to screech to a halt and pee with utmost urgency. It’s hard to stop that. But, with a little persistence, each time you can urge her closer and closer to the curb. Most females pee only once or twice a walk, and you can usually anticipate it. Eventually, being curbside will be habit and no one will have to trod through her puddle.

Males, on the other hand, are easier to control. Usually the first one or two pees are serious – they’re the relief stops. The rest are markings. When the dog peed on my stoop, he wasn’t relieving himself, he was marking his spot. In human terms, he was being a dick. If you can’t control this in your dog, then you have no control at all. Make him do that on the street side. Not on peoples’ homes. If you lived in the suburbs, would you allow your dog to go up and piss on someone’s screen door? Of course not. The stoop is the urban porch and deserves just as much reverence. Furthermore, when one dog marks it, every dog in the neighborhood follows suit, rendering said stoop unsittable.

Urban beauty should also be respected. Though this is sure to foment dissent, I have a hard time believing that dog urine kills trees. Were this true, there would be no more trees standing in the city, as they are under constant assault. Trees have strong, deep roots that seem to be able to handle the uric acid by the time it seeps down. Grass, flowers and young sapling trees, on the other hand, are not so robust. There’s plenty of visual evidence out there to back this up. Urine will burn out flowers in a planter in short order, and that’s a shame because there are a lot of people in the city trying to make their neighborhood look just a little bit nicer. So, when your dog is looking to lift his leg there, just yank him away. You’re really not inconveniencing him as much as he’d like you to think.

Oh, and as for the assertion that it’s rude for dogs to pee on garbage bags which are awaiting pickup by the sanitation department – what??? They pick up stinky, smelly, rotting garbage all day. Urine is the least of their worries. Perhaps you should avoid putting corpses in the bags they’re picking up; but really, in the scheme of things, pee is no big deal. You don’t want your dog doing it as they’re walking over to pick up the bag because that’s effrontery, an “in your face” move. That’s just rude.

But on to bigger, or rather more solid, things. Or, to keep to a theme, Number Two. I have to say, that apart from the odd idiot or two who doesn’t pick up after their dog, people are pretty good about controlling where their dog does this, with a couple notable exceptions. If you know that your dog has to go, or is about to go, try, just try, to avoid walking in front of the plate glass window of a restaurant. True, it’s not crystal blue ocean people are looking out on while they’re sitting in a New York restaurant, but when you’ve just ordered the boeuf bourginon and a dog squats and fouls just two feet from you and your date (particularly, god forbid, if you’re dining outdoors), it’s pretty much an appetite – and night – killer. So, really, there’s no reason we as dog owners need to do this. It’s not a law, but it’s sure as hell easy to avoid. It’s a basic courtesy. C’mon.

The other matter of matter is a little bit more difficult to manage. But, since we generally know when our pets are sick, it’s possible to react somewhat to a bad case of diarrhea. The problem is not being able to clean it up. So, what do you do? Well, since the city runs a street cleaner down most of its streets (but, curiously, not down the sidewalk) at least twice a week, then get the dog to be sick in the street. This applies to both vomiting and diarrhea. I know it’s not always easy to predict, but if you can, do it. If it does end up on the sidewalk, and is un-cleanable, then at least try to lay a couple pieces of newspaper on top of it so that no one trods through it. I know one woman who use to spray something every time her dog defecated on the street, and it always intrigued me as to what it might be. It made me wonder if the dog might have ebola, or some horrid contagious bacteria coming out of it. My guess was that she was spraying bleach. But, in a way, I think it might be worse to dump hydrochloric acid on the street than the more natural, bio-degradable fecal matter.

I’m sure you all have valuable tips when it comes to street relief, and I’d love to hear them. But, what’s most important, and the theme of all these entries, is to be a citizen of your community. Don’t let your dog mess where your neighbors are trying enjoy their lives.