The Bark that Bites

Complaining about noise in New York City is pretty inane. All day and night New Yorkers are subject to a cacophony of unpleasant noises: honking taxis, blaring sirens, screaming lunatics and . . . barking dogs. It’s the soundscape of the city, part of what makes New York New York. To get upset about someone’s barking dog in the middle of the day (entirely acceptable in the middle of the night, by the way) is simply pathetic — but it’s something I’m upset about. Unnecessary barking really gets on my nerves.

I’m not upset about barking for obvious reasons, although I do sort of feel like reducing the noise level might make life in the city a tad less jarring. What bothers me about barking dogs is that it’s usually the sign of an undisciplined, and therefore unhappy, dog.

Occasionally dogs bark when they’re happy: when they see their favorite people after a prolonged absence, or maybe when they’re playing with another dog in the park. Incessant barking, however, is not healthy. It indicates the dog is distressed or neurotic.

I will allow that some dogs are barkers and it’s hard to stop them. So, what’s the solution?

Simple: make an effort.

The following are a few barking situations, and what owners should do about them, at a minimum:

Problem: Is your dog barking maniacally at others dogs as you stand on the corner while you wait for a traffic light, for example? Or when you’re seated at an outdoor restaurant (and how rude is that, that your dog goes nuts while people are trying to enjoy a meal)? What I usually see in this scenario is the owner who looks at the dog, then says in a resigned voice, “oh stop.” What are the chances the dog is going to stop?! Zero.

Solution: At a very least give the leash a sharp tug, tell the dog "no!" and make her sit. In the longer term, if your dog has serious problems, work with a trainer to get your dog to remain calm in these apparently stressful situations.


Problem: Your dog barks all day long while you’re at work, or when you go out for the evening. Your neighbors complain and your landlord has been issuing you warnings.

Solution: "I’m sorry, I can’t help it," or "I never hear it," doesn’t cut it. You need to be responsible to your neighbors, and you need a professional’s help. If you can’t afford a behaviorist, start by keeping your dog in a crate while you’re away. No arguments. Look it up in all the training books. It’s not cruel and it’s not going to make your dog sad — that’s you projecting your own neuroses. Get the crate. If it’s still a problem, then pay for a behaviorist – you’ve got problems and this is your responsibility. No excuses. This is not acceptable.


Problem: Your dogs are in the little fenced in area in front of your beautiful, multi-million dollar town house, sitting next to your nanny and your child, barking incessantly at apparently nothing. [Okay, this is clearly a personal peeve, but it’s still relevant.]

Solution: Take your dog inside. We are already a little resentful about your extravagant wealth. We don’t need the extra reminder of your existence. Have some respect for your community and go inside.


When I see a dog barking excessively and an owner watching passively, my first thought is that the owner’s negligence is bordering on abusive. My second thought that the owner has contempt for me and everyone nearby. There is nothing acceptable about this situation. If you’re letting this happen, you’re rude and disrespectful, and your dog is undisciplined. Behave!

For the Love of Dogs’ Daze

Before I get started with this week’s entry, I want to report on a tragedy and clarify a thing or two. Several of you wrote in remarking on the timeliness of my recent warning, regarding the dog that was killed after running out into the street from the Stuyvesant Square park’s dog run. A terrible tragedy to be sure, and some of you cursed the circumstances which led to it, believing it was a negligently opened gate. In this case, however, it is my understanding that the dog’s owner walked out the run with the dog deliberately off leash, whereupon the dog ran into the middle of East 15th Street as its very last act. But, it was my posting on the dangers of walking your dog off leash that this case harkens to, not the one about dog run gates. Sad, either way.


For the Love of Dogs’ Daze

So it’s the summer season again. With it a whole new selection of things for me to gripe about. But this one’s easy and it’s been done again and again. Yep, it’s all about dog safety in the heat.

We all know, but many still seem to ignore, the dire warnings about leaving dogs in your hot automobile during the summer. Heck, there’s even an emo band named for it. No, I’m not kidding. Go ahead and Google “Dogs Die in Hot Cars.” I’m not much of a fan and never really have figured out what “emo” means. But still.

Anyway, I think there are other heat risks that are more routinely ignored:

First, there’s simply walking around on an extremely hot day with your dog. The danger is greater than you know. Dogs are low to the ground and New York City streets radiate heat like a clay oven. I’ve even seen dogs' feet stick into the softening tar as we cross the street. I’d never dream of walking through New York barefoot like my dogs do, but I can’t imagine how horrible that must feel. But, yeah, the dog’s got to go out, do his business, etc. Well, fine. Keep it to the shady side of the street at a time of the day when there is a shady side (e.g. not when the sun is straight overhead), bring water for him to drink with you, and when you get home either use a towel or the tub to wet his undercarriage – that’s the part that’s really, really hot. And stay out a fraction of the time you’d normally stay out. A few summers back, in the midst of a terrible heat wave, I heard about two different bulldogs who collapsed and died due to heat exhaustion. Yes, that’s right: collapsed and died. Bulldogs were man crafted/evolved for purposes other than basic survival (barbaric sport, in fact). Their short snouts and under bites do not lend well to the whole respiration process. If you have a bulldog, don’t go out in the heat — period. Go out, let her pee, take her back in. Wait til it’s dark for further activity, and make sure she stays cool.

The other summertime dog risk is air travel. If your dog is small enough to travel in the cabin with you, go ahead I guess. It’s a bit decadent, but whatever. But, if your dog is of a size that it has to travel in the cargo hold, don’t do it! ASPCA research has shown that 5,000 pets die or are injured every year in airplane cargo bays. Every year! That’s crazy. And guess what those injuries are like? Imagine: severe burns from being close to engine parts; severe overheating from temperatures above 140 degrees while the plane sits on the tarmac (and causes brain damage in your pet); suffocation; and all kinds of ugliness from sudden loss of cabin pressure. Want to take a shot at torturing your dog? This is how you do it.

There are plenty of boarding services, or friends you with whom you can leave your dog. If you’re going away for longer than a couple weeks and really need to have your dog with you, then drive wherever you’re going. Seriously. Unfortunately, Amtrak doesn’t yet allow dogs, but hopefully one day they will. There’s also the brand new “Pet Airways” (look it up, I’m not going to shill for them by giving them a direct link here – not til they start paying me to do so) which allows any size pet to fly in the main cabin. If you’ve got to do it, this is the only way. Just don’t put your pet in the cargo hold. Please. I’m asking on behalf of your dog.

Good Will Punting

I’m on the side of the vast majority of dog owners who feel utterly indignant when not allowed into an establishment – a pharmacy, a café, a bodega -- with their dog. But, I do understand that the law is the law. If a place serves or sells food, then technically, health department code prohibits animals. Ironic, really, when you consider that most of us wouldn’t go into a corner deli that didn’t have a good mouser living on the premises. I’ll take cat hair over vermin any day.

But, thankfully, there are kind shopkeepers who share our love of dogs (or the contents of our wallets maybe) and allow us in. To these people we should be grateful and our conduct should be gracious. What that means is that if the Duane Reade drugstore on the corner allows dogs, great! But don’t take advantage of their good nature. Don’t walk in with four dogs, even if it happens to be you and three of your friends with their own dogs. The group assault on a store only serves to piss off non-dog owners, who might then complain to the store or the health department. Keep in mind that the store owners are allowing you in at great punitive and financial risk.

Dogs are officially banned from food-selling establishment primarily for sanitary reasons. So, it’s mind blowing to me that some dog owners appear completely unfazed and take no responsibility when their dog pees or has an accident in a store. For crying out loud, is there a more direct way to look a gift horse in the mouth?

It’s also particularly galling to see people march right into a coffee shop with their accessory/dog. Just because the dog is small and the owner is attractive, it’s not any less illegal. A small espresso shop can be pretty well wiped out by a $1500 health department fine. The inspectors don’t give a damn about the arrogance that led the princess to traipse in with her frou-frou little cur. In fact, they won’t punish her at all. Instead, the café will take the hit. One or two of these fines could potentially bankrupt the business, or result in an employee losing his or her job.

The same courtesies should apply to buildings which allow dog walkers to bring in non-resident dogs to pick up another client. Walking in with one or two dogs is reasonable enough, but when a dog walker comes in with a raft of seven or eight dogs, and isn’t using the service elevator, then he’s pushing the boundaries. It’s only a matter of time before outside dogs are banned from the building altogether.

In a perfect world – or Paris – our dogs are allowed to accompany us just about anywhere we go. It seems reasonable enough to anyone who owns a dog. But, unfortunately, not to the majority of the remaining population. As frustrating as it may be, we need to take the liberties we get while being cautious not to abuse them. Soon enough, we may have none at all.

Run Rules – Part I

I’m going to do a series of blog entries on dog run etiquette. I shouldn’t really have to do this because the rules are already posted at the runs themselves; but, the fact is people tend to ignore these very important rules and guidelines — frequently at the peril of all the dogs in the run. I’ve already addressed, under a different heading, the issue of bringing food into dog runs, but today I’m going to discuss a far more important issue:

Bumblebrains at the Gates!

Any decent dog run worth using has a set of double gates for entering and leaving. The reason is quite obvious: SAFETY. It’s kind of like those airlocks in space ships. If there is only one door, then whoosh, everything is swept away into the universe the first time the door is open. Same goes for dog runs. If a single door is opened as you’re trying to get into the run, then as quickly as you can yell, "hey get back here!" two or three little dogs have scampered free, much to the distress and panic of their owners. This is particularly perilous in the city, where the street and traffic is mere yards, or feet, away.

So, this all makes sense, right? Simple and straightforward, right? Well, for some reason many people don’t seem to grasp this very basic concept. When I go to a run, I notice that about 60% of the people going in and out will open one gate while the other is already open; frequently, people just leave the interior door wide open, thus completely negating the value of a double gate, leaving your dog in peril.

This blog entry isn’t merely about nuisance, for a change. It’s about saving lives. It takes one, just one, instance of errant use of the double gate system to get a dog killed. Therefore, I’m going to ask you, dear readers, who I’m sure are dedicated gate closers already, to become gate vigilantes. I know it’s tempting to scream, “hey moron, close the goddamned gate!” But, for once I have to say that pissing people off is not the proper protocol. Approach those who enter the gates incorrectly (especially those who insist on bringing errant teens and children into the run with them) and, with all the diplomacy you can muster, calmly explain that someone’s dear, beloved pet — perhaps even theirs — could end up splattered on the avenue unless they use the system properly. Point out how having both doors open simultaneously leaves a big gaping hole out of which a crafty canine can quickly slip.

Incidentally, this also goes for parks that have single gates (at other entry points) which explicitly state “Do Not Use This Gate,” which some folks go right through, signs be damned. Go over and tell them — again, politely, calmly — why that’s a really, really bad idea.

Look, I know we can't stop all gate abusers, but just think: If you change that one person's behavior, perhaps you will have altered the course of history in some small way, prevented a devastating tragedy and kept someone's heart intact.

Inflexible

Let me just say this right from the start: if you have one of those flexi-lead, extend-a-leash – whatever – type dog leashes (the ones with the plastic handle containing a twenty foot spool of nylon string): get rid of it. There’s almost no point to having a leash at all if you’re using one; in fact, it would be easier on the rest of us if you didn’t. My friend Nick (credit where credit’s due, though I’d really like to own this one) describes a dog on a flexi-lead as akin to “an ICBM* tied to a kite string.” Yep, that just about covers it.


The law in NYC and most other large cities says that a dog leash must be no more than six feet long. In my extensive experience, that’s just about perfect. A good sturdy leash of six feet is plenty to give you control and your dog a little leeway (although he really should be heeling, not wandering, the majority of the time). Flexi-leads provide absolutely zero control. The thin nylon line is completely inadequate for managing your dog in any type of situation. Furthermore, users of these contraptions tend to let their dogs wander in front of, or around, anyplace they please. They end up tripping and angering passersby, or getting tangled around the necks or legs of other dogs. In a panicky situation (which, as we all know, frequently occurs with excited dogs on flexi-leads), a dog or a small child caught up by the thin rope could be seriously wounded or garroted. These devices are impractical nuisances. Don’t use them. And if you must, then just don't do it anywhere near another living creature.


* In case you’re not a Cold War Kid, ICBM = Inter-Continental Ballistic Missile. You know, like the ones we have pointed at Russia.

Where to Go

So I’m sitting on my stoop, reading the latest issue of Cat Fancy [and if you believe that, have I got a bridge to sell you . . . ], my dog by my side, his head in my lap, when a guy with an assertive little male dog approaches and said dog proceeds to whiz all over my goddamned stoop! What the hell???!

I need several pairs of hands to count how many things are wrong with this offensive act, but it mainly serves to remind me that poop scoop laws aren’t quite enough. While there’s no way to enforce considerate behavior, there really are some things dog owners, as respectful, ethical people ought to consider beyond the scoop while their pet is doing what dogs do.

First, since it’s number one, let’s start with Number One. I know this is a tough one to control, especially depending on gender. Some female dogs are known to screech to a halt and pee with utmost urgency. It’s hard to stop that. But, with a little persistence, each time you can urge her closer and closer to the curb. Most females pee only once or twice a walk, and you can usually anticipate it. Eventually, being curbside will be habit and no one will have to trod through her puddle.

Males, on the other hand, are easier to control. Usually the first one or two pees are serious – they’re the relief stops. The rest are markings. When the dog peed on my stoop, he wasn’t relieving himself, he was marking his spot. In human terms, he was being a dick. If you can’t control this in your dog, then you have no control at all. Make him do that on the street side. Not on peoples’ homes. If you lived in the suburbs, would you allow your dog to go up and piss on someone’s screen door? Of course not. The stoop is the urban porch and deserves just as much reverence. Furthermore, when one dog marks it, every dog in the neighborhood follows suit, rendering said stoop unsittable.

Urban beauty should also be respected. Though this is sure to foment dissent, I have a hard time believing that dog urine kills trees. Were this true, there would be no more trees standing in the city, as they are under constant assault. Trees have strong, deep roots that seem to be able to handle the uric acid by the time it seeps down. Grass, flowers and young sapling trees, on the other hand, are not so robust. There’s plenty of visual evidence out there to back this up. Urine will burn out flowers in a planter in short order, and that’s a shame because there are a lot of people in the city trying to make their neighborhood look just a little bit nicer. So, when your dog is looking to lift his leg there, just yank him away. You’re really not inconveniencing him as much as he’d like you to think.

Oh, and as for the assertion that it’s rude for dogs to pee on garbage bags which are awaiting pickup by the sanitation department – what??? They pick up stinky, smelly, rotting garbage all day. Urine is the least of their worries. Perhaps you should avoid putting corpses in the bags they’re picking up; but really, in the scheme of things, pee is no big deal. You don’t want your dog doing it as they’re walking over to pick up the bag because that’s effrontery, an “in your face” move. That’s just rude.

But on to bigger, or rather more solid, things. Or, to keep to a theme, Number Two. I have to say, that apart from the odd idiot or two who doesn’t pick up after their dog, people are pretty good about controlling where their dog does this, with a couple notable exceptions. If you know that your dog has to go, or is about to go, try, just try, to avoid walking in front of the plate glass window of a restaurant. True, it’s not crystal blue ocean people are looking out on while they’re sitting in a New York restaurant, but when you’ve just ordered the boeuf bourginon and a dog squats and fouls just two feet from you and your date (particularly, god forbid, if you’re dining outdoors), it’s pretty much an appetite – and night – killer. So, really, there’s no reason we as dog owners need to do this. It’s not a law, but it’s sure as hell easy to avoid. It’s a basic courtesy. C’mon.

The other matter of matter is a little bit more difficult to manage. But, since we generally know when our pets are sick, it’s possible to react somewhat to a bad case of diarrhea. The problem is not being able to clean it up. So, what do you do? Well, since the city runs a street cleaner down most of its streets (but, curiously, not down the sidewalk) at least twice a week, then get the dog to be sick in the street. This applies to both vomiting and diarrhea. I know it’s not always easy to predict, but if you can, do it. If it does end up on the sidewalk, and is un-cleanable, then at least try to lay a couple pieces of newspaper on top of it so that no one trods through it. I know one woman who use to spray something every time her dog defecated on the street, and it always intrigued me as to what it might be. It made me wonder if the dog might have ebola, or some horrid contagious bacteria coming out of it. My guess was that she was spraying bleach. But, in a way, I think it might be worse to dump hydrochloric acid on the street than the more natural, bio-degradable fecal matter.

I’m sure you all have valuable tips when it comes to street relief, and I’d love to hear them. But, what’s most important, and the theme of all these entries, is to be a citizen of your community. Don’t let your dog mess where your neighbors are trying enjoy their lives.

Not That You Asked, But . . .

One of the worst aspects of being a new puppy owner is having to deal with all the knuckleheads who pounce on you with a thousand-and-one “do’s” and “don’ts”. People come out of every possible crevice to tell you stories and give you the most emphatic advice you’ve ever heard. More amusing -- and simultaneously depressing -- is that many of these sidewalk Cesars have never owned a dog in their life. They have a friend, who knows a guy, whose sister-in-law . . . .

The dogs don’t even need to be puppies. One chilly, but not impossibly cold winter day, as I walked a golden retriever, a cocker spaniel, and a standard poodle (all hearty, outdoor hunting breeds), a madman dressed in a business suit began loudly berating me for having the dogs out in the cold. “Do you have any clue what you’re talking about?” I asked, at equal volume, “It could be 30 degrees colder and these dogs would happily dive into a frozen lake, with no ill effects whatsoever.” He gaped at me, ignorance exposed, then blustered down the street trying to regain his self-sacrificed dignity.

But, I myself have to admit to being guilty of providing unsolicited advice on a regular basis. I guess it's because every time I see someone with a new puppy, I worry for the dog's well-being. There really are a lot of inexperienced and ill-informed pet owners out there. And, I usually have some experience backing up my words. The truth of the matter is, however, the owners didn't ask for my advice and probably didn't want it. I usually try to mitigate my intrusion by saying, "I don't mean to give you unsolicited advice, but . . . " which of course, I do mean to. I also like to qualify my unwanted counsel by saying something to the effect of, "I'm just saying this because I work with dogs on a daily basis, blah, blah, blah." It still doesn't give me the right to intrude, but at least they can consider the source of the information.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that we should either leave them alone, or give the new dog owners a chance to squirm away from our advice, even if we’re so bent on giving it. Say something like, “look, I know people are giving you tips all day long, but . . .” and then let them know, for what it’s worth, that they can take it or leave it. We know-it-alls are a pain in the ass, even if we really are right.

And, if you have no idea what you’re talking about, don’t say a word. Some rude bastard like me might call you on it.